Tiny Hiney

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Inside jokes galore
8:02 p.m. - Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003

No one but a couple people will get this. That's why I wrote it.

Once upon a time there was a brown haired girl named Lizzie who lived in a nice house with her cat, Spuds. Lizzie was a huge fan of MSNBC's Dan Abrams and watched his show every day during the week. Since this is not a perfect world, Lizzie had completely different feelings for another MSNBC reporter, AB. Lizzie did not like AB one bit. Now, you and I might like AB but everybody has different tastes in journalists and we should just accept it and leave it at that. Except people who like Aaron Brown. We should ridicule them because obviously they are just as boring as Mr. Brown is. That man is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

One day Lizzie announces to the online fan club for Dan Abrams, WeLoveDanNoMatterWhichTieHeWears, how seeing AB on her TV set makes her sick to her stomach. The rational members of this fan club understand and accept Lizzie's opinion, even though not all of them agree with it, but a member who believes AB walks on water and can do no wrong, attacks Lizzie and calls Dan an arrogant cigarette. (Think about it for a minute and you'll get it.)

A little while later, Lizzie's fellow Dan Abrams fan, Pip, who is a lovely person, discovers a new and rare picture of Dan on the WeHeartAB website -- rare because it shows Dan smiling -- and she posts a link to the website on her own site, so all the other Dan fans can see it and stare at it for hours on end. The AB fans freak out over this and immediately remove the picture from their website. This stuns and amazes the Dan fans and they realize the AB fans are a bunch of fuckwits.

Meanwhile, a huge fight ensues between the Dan fans and the AB fans. Derogatory remarks are made by the AB fans about Lizzie and her pals, John and Pip. John misses all the action because it takes place between 2 and 4 am and John is fast asleep in his bed, dreaming about the hot chick in his Spanish class who he's afraid to ask out but secretly hopes will ask him out, but Pip is wide awake because she needs to feed her severe blog addiction and is online 20 hours out of the day. Pip reads the rude comments the nasty AB fan makes, including one about how she must spend a fortune for makeup because she is two faced. But Pip has the last laugh because she hasn't bought make up in years since she gets all of her mom's Lancome freebies.

While Pip is sitting at her computer laughing hysterically to herself over her extensive Lancome collection, the phone rings. It's AB calling to apologize for her rude and ignorant fans. She explains how some of them haven't had sex in years and how it's made them extremely uptight. Pip suggests AB buy everybody a Hello Kitty "neck massager" for Christmas. AB says there is no way she is shelling out that kind of money for those fanatics. Besides, she adds, they can just use their hand held showerheads like the rest of us do. Pip gives her an "Amen, sister!" AB then confides to Pip how she is really tired of the news business and wants a new job. Pip suggests she try monster.com.

Two weeks later, AB quits her job at MSNBC and becomes Pope. It seems her rabid fans aren't the only ones who thought her infallible. John is finally asked out by the hot chick from his Spanish class. They fall madly in love, get married and have a baby who they call BettyPatty. Lizzie is fixed up on a blind date with [deleted for fear of lawsuit] and they fall madly in love and start planning their wedding. Pip refuses to attend that ceremony because she knows that [deleted] is really gay and just using Lizzie as a beard. But that's ok because Pip is too busy sharing her huge stash of Lancome with Dan Abrams to care, since he wears more makeup than she ever does. Did I mention they live on a 20 acre farm in upstate New York with a bunch of senior Shih Tzu? And a one eyed Shetland pony? And how they lived happily ever after? And how so did everybody else? Yeah, well, they did.

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