Tiny Hiney

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Hi, my name is Patty and I'm a whiner
4:07 p.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2003

Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over your head and stay there for like a week? I don't know what's up with me but that is my day today. I feel like crap. And I am tired of feeling like crap. I went to the Minimed site earlier and put in a request for information on their latest insulin pump. I do that every couple of years. Sometimes I actually get as far as filling out the form with my name, doctor's name and insurance information. One time I actually even mailed it in and spoke on the phone to a representative. But that was as far as it went. I just get so impatient. I don't want to wait for insurance approval and then go to some office and learn how to work the thing. In the old days they used to put you in the hospital for a few days to get regulated. It's a shorter procedure nowadays. But I guess I want it quicker. I just want somebody to show up with the pump, hook it up to me, show me how to work it and go. I don't need to watch yet another video or read yet another brochure or visit yet another website. I know this is what I want yet I never follow through. What is wrong with me? And it's not the cost. My dad has been saying for years -- during those years when I didn't have any medical insurance -- that he would pay for it and the supplies every month if need be. Fuck, he's the one buying my insulin right now. I don't think it's the idea of having this thing attached to me all the time. It's only about the size of a pager and everybody says you eventually get used to it. Plus the way they are made now, you can quickly disconnect it for times when you don't want or need it hooked up. You know, during those intimate moments. I swear, when a friend told me like 15 years ago that she was getting an insulin pump that would be attached to her 24 hrs a day, my first thought was what do you do with it when your are having sex. Because that's how my mind works apparently. But in all honesty, it's not like I need to worry about that right now. I do remember another friend telling me it was a pain in the ass when you were in a dressing room trying on clothes because you had to keep adjusting and moving it. (Usually, it's kept clipped on to your waistband, like a pager would be, or pocket.) I don't know. Maybe this time I will shock myself and will go all the way and actually get a pump. I know I need to do something different. When I am working, I follow a schedule with eating and taking my shots, and while my blood sugar control is nowhere hear as tight as it should be, it is way better than it is now. Now it's all over the place which just causes more damage to my body, damage that is pretty much preventable. And I've been lucky in that respect. The complications that I've developed from diabetes have either been treatable or reversible. Except for the kidney damage but hopefully medication will slow that down. You would think that I would want to do something to prevent any more of them from happening in the future. That I would do everything I could to prevent them. But I think that I gave up fighting this thing 25 yrs ago when I was first diagnosed with it.

Jesus Christ, I sure am a whiny ass. Someone please just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

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